UPDATED June 2, 2004
In 1991 I went to the East Coast to go to Tibetan Buddhist teachings in New York for the Year of Tibet. There were many high lamas there and powerful initiations given including the Kalachakra held at Madison Square Garden with the Dalai Lama. Back in my old hometown! That was for 3 weeks. Then I went to Washington DC for another 3 week more specialized retreat.
The retreat was on the main Sakya teaching the Lam Dre. Translated as "The Path and Fruit". Other translations appear as "The Path Contains The Fruit" and "The Path within the Fruit". Or even "The Fruit Within the Path." Sounded alittle like Flowers in the Sky to me.
Sakya Trizan was "Vajramaster" for the retreat as the head teacher is called; a powerful title in the lexicon! Vajra meaning indestructible, diamond like. As I already starting to embrace "sacred vision" I viewed all matters especially "spiritual matters" as extra charged. Everything that occurs translate into sacred view. But the "Universe" often plays tricks on one, as Trungpa would say. And when that someone has OCD? You can imagine. Luckily there were a number of "normal" people close to me that ALSO had powerful syncronistic events and realizations.
During the teaching to explain Virupa’s many obstacles Sakya Trizen said, "Virupa's obstacles ARE is attainments, his siddhis (powers)." Sakya Trizen did NOT say as I have read in many different translations of Virupa's short biography namely,"his obstacles are transformed into attainments." This, to me, is a very different statement then "ARE his attainments" and as I was one to get into the "mythology" of whatever I was spiritualizing, Zelig style, I started thinking about my mental illness of OCD with other coemergent factors as perhaps an attainment of some kind. What could this possibly be?
UPDATED 4/20/04: As we got deeper into the Lam Dre teachings a very important teaching phrase kept coming up. This was "the inseparably of samsara and nirvana." Samsara is ordinary mundane reality with its attendant psychological problems. Nirvana is the Spiritual Dimension. This fit nicely with my growing view of sacred world. Every previous clue as mentioned was being accumulated in my mind stream. There were many blooming Flowers in the Sky. But there were also many withered Flowers in the Sky blooming as well according to how I was viewing the totality of my experience.
Not only was I bringing into these Path and Fruit teachings my OCD but also my background as a Hypnotherapist and graduate studies in psychology and mathematics. At the time of the retreat I was a Hypnotherapist for over a year and saw many weird things minds can do in trance. My mathematics background was an excellent tool for sensing abstractions and thinking beyond concepts for many mathematical systems lie outside our ordinary 5 sense awareness’. My graduate work in psychology, philosophy and my personal therapeutic work with many psychotherapists and psychiatrists for over a decade gave me awareness of non-eastern approaches to the mind. But so far no therapies I tried for OCD nor depression helped much. No medications were helpful and I tried many with varying combinations. Desensitization was a disaster.
And so this is why I kept going back to the Buddhist views on mind. The Buddhist views on mind, the kabalistic connection and sacred view brought me closer and closer to realizing that OCD itself contained wisdom and a spiritual dimension. So when Sakya Trizen kept talking about the "inseparability of samsara and nirvana" this made sense in terms of sacred view. Precisely in samsara, ordinary existence, does nirvana manifest simultaneously. Sort of like Don Quixote’s visions. An ordinary inn really a castle in disguise and so on. But how can one tell which is real? And as stated especially someone with the doubting disease? Perhaps Don Quixote is making even more samsara. So whatever sacred view arose in my awareness I had a built in "Don’t Know Mind" with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I saw these differing views as Flowers In the Sky for as Katagiri Roshi said,"Even the Buddha’s teachings are Flowers in the Sky." So in a sense there were many Sacred Worlds vying for my attention.
I know this sounds convoluted but I was accumulating clues. And that is one of the things that attracted me to Zen in the first place; the twisted stories and koans. Even in that Emptiness class I took at Naropa when learning of the highest Buddhist philosophy, the Madyamika, and how it is not eternalism nor nihilism nor both eternalism and nihilism nor neither eternalism nor nihilism, I told Zazep Tulku that either I found real wisdom or I finally met people as crazy as me. Yes, there was something to these convoluted statements. These Mobius strips of thought. But what?
Then we came to a very important part of the teachings. This was about how everything, all phenomenon, both internal and external, has both a samsaric aspect and a nirvanic aspect. This is an underlying truth of the "Inseparability of samsara and nirvana." This also fits in with Virupa; that his obstacles ARE his attainments, his siddhis! Two aspects of reality; one ordinary and the other enlightened, simultaneously, on ALL levels of phenomenon INCLUDING mental illnesses such as OCD and depression!
If I were to believe these teachings then I should start to ponder the nirvanic aspect of OCD, the attainment it might be and the secret wisdom that it is precisely in its pure energetic state. And that is what I started to explore.
Before these teachings I sensed Sacred World by mostly recognizing syncronistic events, that my OCD might have an antecedent in ancient rituals such as kabbalistic numerology that I might be tapping into and the natural ability my OCD mind has for "DON"T KNOW MIND" of Zen with the teaching of Flowers in the Sky always there keeping my attachment in check and yet given the skylike space to bloom.
BUDDHISM and OCD update 6/1/04
If we define mental illness as not seeing reality as it really is then according to the Buddhist view we are all mentally ill to some degree.
What is seeing reality as it really is?
As KUGE teaches it is NOT stopping the myriad Flowers in the Sky but rather seeing who is behind the flowers blooming.
And that is you and is not you.
You can tap into these experiences of these seeming contradictions with meditation. The "contradictions" start to fade expanding the wisdom mind. Meditation also helps naturally quiet the mind. With a quieter mind one can "see" the patterns of our minds, of our life and of our world which are also a totality. We are then less fooled by every thought that flows through one. The Obsessions loosen and Compulsions lose their power. More and more with practice. Neuroplasticity. The brain actually starts to change!
This totality becomes more experiential with meditation and the opening of Buddha’s eyes as Katagiri Roshi would say. The terms such as Buddha are merely designations of something one can actually experience beyond the concepts. There are our ordinary human eyes and as wisdom opens the Wisdom eyes open or as Katagiri says Buddha eyes…Just terms…But it is important to keep in mind even Buddha’s words are Flowers in the Sky as mentioned earlier. Therefore it is not the terms or ways of expressing these possibilities that are important but rather the actual developing experience of the spiritual dimension of OCD or for that matter the spiritual dimension for the range of mental illnesses...
The Pure Energy of OCD and Tantra (update June 2, 2004)
As anyone with OCD can tell one there is an intensity involved. Obsessions are very intense and focused mental images, thoughts etc. that one cannot control by definition. They intrude on consciousness very powerfully. It is a focus but it’s a painful focus. What would happen if over time one gained control over this intense ability to focus? This would be transforming an obstacle into a power. This is the Tantric view of transformation. This is different then Virupa’s experience that his obstacles are his attainments but it is very close. Virupa was very advanced spiritually. Through certain meditation and visualization practices one can slowly gain control over the raw energy of obsessions.
The great artists, scientists, philosophers, athletes or car mechanics have strong focus (concentration) but it’s a positive focus unlike the OCDer. But as the OCDer learns to experience the raw energy of OCD in the midst of it and slowly transforms it’s manifestations into more positive focus the powers gained could be significantly greater then the artist or athlete etc. for as one learns and experiences the contrast as the transformation takes place which shows even more about the power of mind. This is an example of an aspect of the Lam Dre teachings; that there is a samsaric aspect and a nirvanic aspect of obsessions. The samsaric is the obsessions as they are painful and disrupting while the nirvanic aspect is the intense mental power. There may be other nirvanic aspects as well.
With respect to compulsions the uncontrollable urge to act is painful and disrupting hence samsaric. What could the nirvanic aspects be of compulsions? The psychiatrist that mentioned my adding license plate numbers looking for omens being a kabbalistic practice of finding meanings in the numbers of the Hebrew alphabet gave me a glimpse that perhaps a more spiritual way of looking at some type of compulsions as a mystic practice, a sacred ritual. Of course the OCDer has to be especially careful not to get carried away with this view for magical thinking is a large component of this complex mental illness. CONTINUING…
